I don’t sleep anymore. 

Looking back, I don’t think I ever really enjoyed sleeping. In high school, it’d always be such a flex to walk into homeroom that morning and say, “I’m so tired, I only slept 2 hours last night,” to which someone else would say, “You got to sleep 2 hours? I haven’t slept in 2 days.” Only thing is, it’s been 8 years since then. I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely excited to sleep. 

I’m reminded of that episode of The Fairly OddParents on Nickelodeon when Timmy Turner wishes nobody needed to sleep. Annoyed that he was missing out on all the Dimmsdale nightlife, Timmy wishes that sleep was no longer mandatory. He goes on an around-the-clock adventure, observing everything that occurred in his small suburban town. I remember thinking how nice that would be, if I didn’t need to sleep anymore and could keep working. Sometimes my body would crash and I’d accidentally fall asleep for a couple of hours, only to wake up in a state of panic thinking I had missed something crucial like a deadline or a meeting. 

Panic. I guess that’s the only way I can describe the feeling I get when I wake up. Anxiety from middle school, into high school, ebbing into my college life. Now, a month out of college, anxiety is the only thing I feel when I try to watch TV, or read a book, or go to sleep. I feel anxiety when I’m not working, but sometimes I'm too anxious to even work. I don’t remember the last time I felt pure, unadulterated joy when “unwinding.” The guilt is too overwhelming. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 3.6% of the world, or 261 million individuals, have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and it manifests for people in so many different ways. Women are twice as likely to be affected as men, and GAD often co-occurs with major depression. It’s normal to feel worried from time to time. Maybe you’ve got a big exam coming up, or a family member has fallen ill. GAD is characterized as excessive worrying, pervasive across several domains of life. I only realized that I have trouble accepting joy, or that not all anxiety disorders come in the form of catastrophizing, after I started going to therapy and understanding how it manifests for myself. 

I must profess, I’m still very new to therapy myself. I sought out the help of therapists at school last year after deciding to lead a healthier lifestyle and learn to prioritize myself. While this diagnosis certainly came as a surprise, I’m grateful for the opportunity to discover more about myself as I embark on this journey of healing and self-love.

Shrutikona Das is a 21-year-old Bangladeshi-American writer and intern at SASMHA, the South Asian Sexual and Mental Health Alliance, passionate about decolonizing South Asian history and exploring the social determinants of health. She attended Wellesley College and is based in NYC.